I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
