The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
