I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
