Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
