Cold hands, warm shart.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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