They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Alive.
So much puke
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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