Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
