hotel room ftw
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
