I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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