this just has baby written all over it
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
