I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
