dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
