my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
