I wish my penis had an off switch
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
