i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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