he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
