I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Even my vagina gasped.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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