My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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