Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
