I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
