my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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