I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
