Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
