Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is Oprah even human
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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