can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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