seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
