I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
