I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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