One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
