i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
