my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
