So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
