Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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