I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
