did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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