It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
