There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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