if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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