I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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