the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
