i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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