just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
