On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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