note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
