so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
