Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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