dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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