That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
