I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
