I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
