Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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