Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
