Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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